I’m going to let you in a little secret. The original title of this entry is “When You Suck at Life” but I guess I didn’t want to start this blog page with such negativity.  I’ve had this page for quite a while now and I just have no idea how to start it until I had my panic moment on my way home.

A little background before I get into the reason why I panicked. I am a management trainee—not really the title in my contract but I prefer it over Store Manager. I am an operations management candidate for a small distributing company that handles one of the biggest global brands. Believe it or not it is a big deal.

Now when I was in college I never thought I’d get into business or corporate at all. I was a hippie. I believe (I still do) in expression through art and written words. I was aiming towards this type of career, and I did. I had a career in journalism and graphic design for a while, but I soon realized that if you are not your own boss when you write or design stuff, when you work to please your client, it drains the creativity out of you. Your expressions are limited because not everybody appreciates your style. And so I left my job and aimed for a business management career. I thought it would be something more logical because number is a universal language.

It was a change of career, a change of environment and definitely a change of mindset. I had a cultural shock. The job was one and a half hour away from my home without traffic—2-3 hours with traffic. So yes, the travel alone costs 3-6 hours of my day.

I won’t get into details but bottom line is I am f*cking up this job. People say that it was acceptable considering it’s a change of career but I’ve been working here for almost 6 months now, adjustment period should be over by now. I have no excuse. My promotion was delayed because of my horrible evaluation and after I was briefed by this review, I made another horrible mistake. I am not even going to defend myself. I made some poor decisions—a trait that is crucial into becoming an operations manager. I just had the realization that maybe I wasn’t cut out for this.

I wasn’t cut out for anything. I can be good at something, but not perfect.

I can be good in writing but not at speaking that’s why I always f*ck up my job interviews. I graduated from one of the universities of the country but originally I didn’t pass. I had to make an appeal. I am a judo brown belt. I worked hard to get my first dan but I did not qualify. I put everything on hold to work on that black belt but I didn’t get it. I never won gold in competitions. It’s always silver or bronze.

I don’t know what I am good at. People can say that they are good in sports, or in business or in making a dress out of a bed sheet. There is that one shining quality that defines who they are. They are artistic, athletic, a math whiz. i know you can’t just have one quality but some people have that dominant quality that stood out. I don’t have that.

I don’t know what I want to do.

So right now I am lost. I don’t know what I will do. I might lose this job and I don’t what my next step is. I don’t know what I am good at. I don’t know what I want to do. I had a plan, but it’s falling apart because now, I ask if this is what I really want to do.

So there—I suck at life, hence the original title. The year is about to end and I have no savings. I set all these plans for myself and I haven’t done any of them. I have no idea where to go from here. I don’t know what will happen if I lose/quit this job.

And you know what? That’s okay. It may take a while before I manage to put back the pieces and to finally figure out what I really want to do but one thing’s for sure:  I’m gonna be okay.

And so are you, if you happen to pass by my blog and going through sh*t just like I do right now. It’s going to be okay. It’s better to realize that than to just waste your time crying over spilled milk.

See I realized that there is always tomorrow and as long as I wake up and the sun comes up, as long as I am breathing, I still have a fighting chance.

So here’s to you, my fellow survivor, to outsmarting life’s unfairness.  Cheers!