The Physical Pain of Missing Someone

Can it get any cheesier than that? How do I put in words how I feel? Funny, when I first admitted I was in love with you, I couldn’t find the right words to describe how I feel. Just as much as I cannot find the right words to stress how much missing you hurts. But I will still try.

I guess the perfect moment that I realized how much it hurts is when I first saw the two of you. There was a pause—like I was paralyzed, frozen on the spot. Literally, everything else blurred and muted, except the two of you; looking lovingly at each other, happy.

And then my chest felt tight, my breathing was shallow. There wasn’t much air getting through. Something, yes, it maybe my heart, hurts. It felt like someone is squeezing my heart tight. It felt cold inside. And after squeezing my heart, it felt like someone ripped it off and let it fall to my stomach.

My head started to feel light—and all I could do is look away, start walking, hoping you didn’t see me. Yes, my initial reaction is to get away, I think any rational human being would do the same. But as much as I wanted to hide this pain from you, part of me wishes to show it you. Part of me wants you to know that I am in pain, and I was curious, what would you do? I am a selfish person. Deep inside me something is rotten. To wish for something like that, to hope that you will feel bad knowing that I was hurt that you’ve moved on and here I am, still in the same fucking spot.

But I would never do that. A bigger part of me doesn’t want to show the pain. I wish am just as happy as you are. But I am not. I am not as strong as you are.

As I locked myself in my car, staring at nothingness, I find myself quite amazed. This is the first time I felt something like this. So emotionally hurt that it manifested into something physical. I guess that’s what heartbreak feels like.

I didn’t cry. I was waiting for the tears to come. I thought I was gonna start yelling and punching the wall but nothing. I just sat there, holding the stirring wheel. I didn’t feel like moving. The moment I saw you with her didn’t replay in my head. I can just hear my own voice saying “He’s with someone else now.”

And I thought the fact that I wasn’t crying was a good thing. I thought that maybe it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would be. Sure, there was like a punch at first. That initial shock and then nothing followed, and I thought that maybe somehow time helped me move on. But I was wrong. It was odd that I just simply felt at a lost.

I simply felt numb.

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