Bittersweet Dreams

I have to convince myself over and over again.

“He is not mine. He never was.”

It was like a prayer to me, a constant reminder not to get caught in a dream, in an illusion created out of desire and unrequited emotions.

But dreams can get out of hand, it can reveal your heart’s deepest wish.

“He is not mine. He never was,” were the first words out of my mouth when reality pulled me back. Before my vision gets clouded, before I delusion myself from the thin possibility, before I begin to ignore the fact that you are with someone else, I must utter the words again.

I thought keeping my distance would do the trick. Sometimes I hate how I can remember everything so vividly.

“He is not mine. He never was,” I said again as I recall my days with you.

I must, once again, hold on to the ground, to what is now, to the bittersweet reality that I am no longer part of your life.

I Don’t Regret Loving You

Now that I’ve thought about it, now that my anger has passed, and now that I have accepted that we are done, I realized that I don’t regret loving you.

I don’t regret meeting you at what I would call Universe’s master plan for us. True, we ended up parting ways but I am glad that for a time, I was yours and I was able to call you mine. I am glad that you are my first love and that you tried to love me back.  I am thankful for that.

Yes, it was a difficult ride, most of the time. But we also had great time together. When I was with you I discovered a lot of things about myself. You made me feel loved and accepted and you showed me how strong I can be. You always believed in me, even when I doubted myself. You were always pushing me to go forward. And now onwards I go without you, my dear.

I also discovered a lot of things about you. Yes, you were very difficult to love. A lot of times I thought of ending things with you but somehow you convinced me to stay. You are very strong, very deep, and very mysterious. You can be goofy at times but when things get serious, you always know what the right things to say—you always know what to do.

But you were not sure of our love. I get it.  Some woman hurt you years ago and broke you into million pieces and you were never able to put yourself back together completely.

Yes I get it. How stupid of me to think that I hold the glue and the missing pieces in your life.

No. I was not enough, was i? I always thought I was. But that’s okay. At least we tried. At least for a moment, you thought maybe I was “it”. You did, right? I never really got to ask, but I do hope that at least at some point in our time together, you saw me as someone truly special.

I always thought I can see right through you, but I guess I never saw it clearly. You are still in pain yet you were so brave to try again. But you can’t fully commit because years ago, you realized you gave your heart to another person, and you never really got it back whole. You never really understood why. All that you know is that you are afraid that someone will steal it away again and break it into tinier pieces.

You thought it was me.

I was never going to hurt you. No. I never had that intention, but I still hurt you in some ways I didn’t mean to. But I still loved you and I’ll never regret loving you. After all, you taught me how to love and that I can love with all my heart. You taught me the pain and joy, the bliss and the sorrow of it all. By the end, it was mostly tears yet, with all my heart I can say,

I never truly regretted loving you.

Fear of Inevitable

 

Nine years ago, I was preparing myself to say goodbye to the school I grew up in. The school taught me simplicity and “a person is of more value than the world”. My friends and I promised to keep in touch, to see each other as often as we can and to never lose sight of who we are. Some friends were lost along the way, some have held on and here we are, celebrating 12 years of friendship.

Four years ago, I was preparing myself for the next chapter of my life: the professional life. Gone are the days of writing thesis and preparing for hell week of finals. Gone are the days relaxing or sometimes preparing between classes. Gone are the days of happy-go-lucky, coming to school in shorts and flip flops. Gone are the days preparing for UAAP, it was time for us to hand down the torch.

It is time to grow up.

Four years later and I still don’t get this “adult” thing.

I woke up this morning thinking a lot of things are changing and I can’t do anything to stop it. My father just turned 60. My mom is thinking of retiring. My sister is starting her own family and the other one is having problem with hers. It seems like just yesterday, classes were suspended due to heavy rain and we were all gathered in the living room watching Spongebob Squarepants. Now my siblings are deciding where to spend Christmas, with us or with their spouse’s family.

It was odd. To think of how things were ten years ago, how things are now, and how things will be ten years from now—and I am starting to get a glimpse of what the future might be. What scares me the most is how some people might not be there in the future.

One of my best friends has moved abroad for her master’s degree. Some of my friends are getting promoted, engaged, married and pregnant. They’re starting to create their own life. And here I am in the same spot as I was four years ago.

There is this fear that time is ticking and you haven’t achieved or done anything valuable. It doesn’t even have to be memorial, like the whole world will celebrate your achievement

There is the fear of goodbyes, the inevitable end of some ties and separation of roads. We all have to make choices and it may entail farewells.

You’re just wishing for something worthwhile, something that you look forward to—something that doesn’t make the future look so bleak and lonesome. It could be a promising job, a life full of travelling and parties, a committed boyfriend. I guess this is the point in your life when you ask if this is what you really want. You’re afraid that one day you’ll wake up and realized another four years has passed and you wonder where all the days have gone.

We can’t hold time and ask for it to go a little slower or to rewind to four years ago so we can change a few things. That’s what makes is so precious. It may sound cliché but live your life. We have to stop confining ourselves in the comforts of our home. We have to go out and do what we want (within law of course. Don’t do drugs! Never do drugs).

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Travel the world, write your stories, and paint your life. It will be nice to look back and to actually describe your past as the “good old days”. (Even nicer to look back with someone from the good old days)

Invest in experience, not the material. Go out! Yes binge watching in Netflix and eating Cheetos is fun but go out once in a while. Spend time with people and see what is out there. “Everybody gets a lifetime, nothing more, nothing less”.

So live it.

 

 

 

 

 

Back to the Drawing Board

My brother asked the question I have been dreading ever since I decided to resign my job:

“What are your plans?”

It has been seventeen days since my last day of work. Last week I got my last pay,

  • minus the uniform allowance because I didn’t finish the quarter even though it was down to the last 19 days of it.
  • Minus my contribution for our parents’ Christmas gift
  • Minus this month’s bills
  • Minus my contribution for the holiday feast

So to sum up, financially I am screwed.

So what are my plans? I have been enjoying my vacation so much and the fact that my mom just gave me the assurance that there is definitely no rush to get a job. After graduating college I already jumped in the first job opportunity that came. I resigned after a month and transferred to another. After leaving that job I started working after 2 weeks of rest. So yes, basically I didn’t get any sort of break. I think I owed myself a break that’s why I didn’t mind resting for a few months. My last job did a number on me, leaving me tired, sick and a flat lined self esteem.

After the grueling review of my bank account I feel this pressure to get a job fast. But I made a promise to myself. I need to find a job where I can finally cast my anchor. I am only 24 years old and you may say that it may be a little too early, but not for this family. Security is everything. Not that it is a bad thing but being adventurous seems too out of the question. (and yes to answer your question I do live with my parents.)

Which leads me to a few plans I have set for myself that will be executed after the holidays:

PLAN A: Work for a big corporate

I have my eyes set on a few companies. After working for a small one and basically getting my morale destroyed by the people I worked with, I have decided to find an established company where the ground rules are set. I don’t want to go in a workplace where it’s like walking in blindfolded. I don’t want to have that feeling of going to war with no bullets. No sir. I will not go through that again.

PLAN B: Run the family business

My mother is retiring soon and she’s planning to invest her money on a new business. I’ve tried convincing her to invest in me so I can take up masters abroad but she said that she invested enough of her money and time when I was an undergrad. That I cannot argue with, because it’s true. Thanks Mom! So with that off the table, the next best thing to handle the future family business. We haven’t decided what kind of business we should start but it’s definitely exciting.

PLAN C: Work abroad

My parents want me to go to Canada, even willing to pay for the airfare. Working in Canada will be convenient since I have relatives there. My friend wants me to join in him in California or New York but I don’t know if there is a place for a foreign average girl with no great talent there, especially New York. I have my heart set on Ireland. I want to try living on my own. Yes, I am 100% sure that I will be homesick and it is pretty scary because I’ll be in a foreign land but my heart is calling out to Ireland. What I would give for a chance to try my luck there.

Out of all the three plans the third one appeals to me the most. I don’t know what is happening to me lately. I am the kind of person who sticks with the safe ground, the little bird who doesn’t want to leave the nest because she’s too afraid to be too far from her parents. I guess maturity is starting to kick in. need to learn how to be independent; to make my own choices, to fall down and stand up on my own.

I’ve been relying on my family too much. I need to grow up.

Geez. Talk about late bloomer. Haha!

The Physical Pain of Missing Someone

Can it get any cheesier than that? How do I put in words how I feel? Funny, when I first admitted I was in love with you, I couldn’t find the right words to describe how I feel. Just as much as I cannot find the right words to stress how much missing you hurts. But I will still try.

I guess the perfect moment that I realized how much it hurts is when I first saw the two of you. There was a pause—like I was paralyzed, frozen on the spot. Literally, everything else blurred and muted, except the two of you; looking lovingly at each other, happy.

And then my chest felt tight, my breathing was shallow. There wasn’t much air getting through. Something, yes, it maybe my heart, hurts. It felt like someone is squeezing my heart tight. It felt cold inside. And after squeezing my heart, it felt like someone ripped it off and let it fall to my stomach.

My head started to feel light—and all I could do is look away, start walking, hoping you didn’t see me. Yes, my initial reaction is to get away, I think any rational human being would do the same. But as much as I wanted to hide this pain from you, part of me wishes to show it you. Part of me wants you to know that I am in pain, and I was curious, what would you do? I am a selfish person. Deep inside me something is rotten. To wish for something like that, to hope that you will feel bad knowing that I was hurt that you’ve moved on and here I am, still in the same fucking spot.

But I would never do that. A bigger part of me doesn’t want to show the pain. I wish am just as happy as you are. But I am not. I am not as strong as you are.

As I locked myself in my car, staring at nothingness, I find myself quite amazed. This is the first time I felt something like this. So emotionally hurt that it manifested into something physical. I guess that’s what heartbreak feels like.

I didn’t cry. I was waiting for the tears to come. I thought I was gonna start yelling and punching the wall but nothing. I just sat there, holding the stirring wheel. I didn’t feel like moving. The moment I saw you with her didn’t replay in my head. I can just hear my own voice saying “He’s with someone else now.”

And I thought the fact that I wasn’t crying was a good thing. I thought that maybe it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would be. Sure, there was like a punch at first. That initial shock and then nothing followed, and I thought that maybe somehow time helped me move on. But I was wrong. It was odd that I just simply felt at a lost.

I simply felt numb.

Okay.

I’m going to let you in a little secret. The original title of this entry is “When You Suck at Life” but I guess I didn’t want to start this blog page with such negativity.  I’ve had this page for quite a while now and I just have no idea how to start it until I had my panic moment on my way home.

A little background before I get into the reason why I panicked. I am a management trainee—not really the title in my contract but I prefer it over Store Manager. I am an operations management candidate for a small distributing company that handles one of the biggest global brands. Believe it or not it is a big deal.

Now when I was in college I never thought I’d get into business or corporate at all. I was a hippie. I believe (I still do) in expression through art and written words. I was aiming towards this type of career, and I did. I had a career in journalism and graphic design for a while, but I soon realized that if you are not your own boss when you write or design stuff, when you work to please your client, it drains the creativity out of you. Your expressions are limited because not everybody appreciates your style. And so I left my job and aimed for a business management career. I thought it would be something more logical because number is a universal language.

It was a change of career, a change of environment and definitely a change of mindset. I had a cultural shock. The job was one and a half hour away from my home without traffic—2-3 hours with traffic. So yes, the travel alone costs 3-6 hours of my day.

I won’t get into details but bottom line is I am f*cking up this job. People say that it was acceptable considering it’s a change of career but I’ve been working here for almost 6 months now, adjustment period should be over by now. I have no excuse. My promotion was delayed because of my horrible evaluation and after I was briefed by this review, I made another horrible mistake. I am not even going to defend myself. I made some poor decisions—a trait that is crucial into becoming an operations manager. I just had the realization that maybe I wasn’t cut out for this.

I wasn’t cut out for anything. I can be good at something, but not perfect.

I can be good in writing but not at speaking that’s why I always f*ck up my job interviews. I graduated from one of the universities of the country but originally I didn’t pass. I had to make an appeal. I am a judo brown belt. I worked hard to get my first dan but I did not qualify. I put everything on hold to work on that black belt but I didn’t get it. I never won gold in competitions. It’s always silver or bronze.

I don’t know what I am good at. People can say that they are good in sports, or in business or in making a dress out of a bed sheet. There is that one shining quality that defines who they are. They are artistic, athletic, a math whiz. i know you can’t just have one quality but some people have that dominant quality that stood out. I don’t have that.

I don’t know what I want to do.

So right now I am lost. I don’t know what I will do. I might lose this job and I don’t what my next step is. I don’t know what I am good at. I don’t know what I want to do. I had a plan, but it’s falling apart because now, I ask if this is what I really want to do.

So there—I suck at life, hence the original title. The year is about to end and I have no savings. I set all these plans for myself and I haven’t done any of them. I have no idea where to go from here. I don’t know what will happen if I lose/quit this job.

And you know what? That’s okay. It may take a while before I manage to put back the pieces and to finally figure out what I really want to do but one thing’s for sure:  I’m gonna be okay.

And so are you, if you happen to pass by my blog and going through sh*t just like I do right now. It’s going to be okay. It’s better to realize that than to just waste your time crying over spilled milk.

See I realized that there is always tomorrow and as long as I wake up and the sun comes up, as long as I am breathing, I still have a fighting chance.

So here’s to you, my fellow survivor, to outsmarting life’s unfairness.  Cheers!