The Year of Sacrifice Has Ended

For five years now, I’ve been waiting for a wizard to knock on my door and force me to get off my comfy chair and go on an adventure with him. I’ve been waiting, and boy, I have been waiting.

Every year, I keep on telling myself that it is a sacrifice year—a year of patience and learning before I commit myself to bigger things, whether it is career, studies or a mere overseas trip. It’s sad that I am still stuck in that sacrifice year—or so I try to convince myself.

Every new year, I have a tradition of watching all six Lord of the Ring movies, from The Hobbit to the Return of the King. Bilbo’s adventure is definitely my favorite. This small fella chose to leave the comforts of his home and join the company of Thorin, knowing the dangers ahead and how he is way over his head. The world is too big for him, literally. Everything towers over him, yet he found courage and friends; light in the midst of darkness. He found a new him, something he thought he would never become.

Then I looked back. I never thought I would be a black belt in martial arts. I never thought I would take the N5 Japanese Language Proficiency Test. I never thought I’d quit my job. I never thought I’ll have romantic feelings for anyone again. Yet I did all of those things. It’s difficult, yes, but in difficulty we discover something in ourselves. We always come out stronger.

So this year, I vow to get off my comfy chair and brave what is out there. This year, I will chase after my dream. This year, I will fall and I will stand again.

This year I will work overseas. This year I will not be afraid to fall in love. This year I shall speak my mind and assert myself. This year I will be stronger.

“The world is not in your books and maps, it’s out there,” said Gandalf.

And out there I shall go.

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To the Person Who Wanted Me Out

There are many things I want to say to your face, but I’d like to remain professional, unlike you.

You, who are ten years older than I am, you who thinks posting your feelings on Facebook will do you any good, you who clearly forgot you added me months ago, should really reevaluate yourself

You, who thinks it’s cool to say mean things about other people, whether it’s your boss or the quiet girl at the corner who is minding her own business, should really listen to the gospel and homily whenever you come to church every Sunday,or so you say

You, who thinks  that pointing your finger at me and comparing my accomplishments to yours will save your ass, you who comes in two hours late while I come in an hour early every damn day, claims that I don’t do shit when you don’t see me working at six in the morning, you better check the record again

You, who said that me juggling my work and studies is bullshit, you who think that my effort to better myself is unfair, you who thinks that me begging our boss to compress my working hours so I can study during the weekends is  unjust,

Let me tell you something

This is not my end. This is not where I will cast my anchor. This is just a stepping stone and I will go to better places.

You are not gonna be my downfall and I will not let you drag me down with your negativity. I will not stop myself from gaining more knowledge and bettering myself just because you think it’s bullshit.

You are just another pebble in my shoe. I can flick you back to the ground and that is what I am doing.

I will not let you break me, and I am not going to be a bitter old woman like you. I will never find joy in other people’s suffering and I will never feel better about myself by dragging other people down.

You can tread down this road alone; this road of bitterness, jealousy, greed and anger.

You don’t like it? Post about it on Facebook, bitch.

AN: I don’t usually post negative pieces because I want to send a message of hope. But in a way, this is a message of hope for everyone. We all have to deal with a villain in our life. DON’T LET THEM BREAK YOU. This is just another monster we have to destroy. Because guess what? wherever you go, you will find someone who wants to destroy you. Don’t kill them with kindness, they don’t deserve any. Kill them with your badass-ery!

 

Cold Light

I’m at the point of my life where I just want to sit in the corner, cry and let the day pass. I did it yesterday. I sat at the corner of my room and just thought about how I will go about my day tomorrow. I knew I can’t always do this. I have to leave my corner sometime—but I felt so helpless. I held out my hand, hoping someone would take it, but I caught nothing but the warm breeze from my window.

The sun was shining so brightly. How ironic. I felt so cold inside, as if the world was mocking me. I watch as the specks of dust dance in the sunshine. No patterns at all. Just random movements—so careless and free.

I went to sleep that night feeling horrible. I can feel the disgust creeping into my skin, running through my veins, etching into my mind. The darkness was swallowing me. The nights were always so difficult.

I thought of an escape, an unspeakable escape. And I stared out the window where the sunshine was. The sky now emits a cold light. It was dark but not really dark, I thought. It was dim, but there was light, just enough for me to see the room I locked myself in.

It was dim, but it was light, nonetheless.

I can still see the door. I can still the road outside.

It was weak, but it was light, nonetheless.